As I ponder this question of how to truly be present for our children, I’m really asking, “How can I use my time to steward the life of these people that came from me but who are not me?” I feel like the answer is a suspension of myself and my desire to control everything in their lives to be just so. It is a discipline to not put up a wall between me and them when the emotions are high between us or when they do things that are exactly a reflection of the less attractive parts of me.

I feel like I have so much to say but it’s been hard to figure out what to write about. Almost a year ago I set out to have a weekly practice of corresponding with you about the random happenings and thoughts that I am having as I journey through motherhood.

I’m taking a break from my week-prep planning meeting with myself to share this thought – find time for a mom vacation. Taking vacations and breaks in general are always hard for me. I like to go-go-go and I am not one of those people that finds joy from the trip planning process. It always feels like a chore.

Funny story: I ran into a neighbor-mom yesterday who said that she doesn’t have Monday Scaries because work is her refuge from her kids and when Monday comes she’s like, “Bye!” 😂 I appreciated her candor and honesty because I felt the same in the early days of having our eldest child Ila. Being a present parent when you first start this journey, or even three kids in, is exhausting!

I know they could be doing so much more than they do now. I mean, have you seen Old Enough! on Netflix? If you’re not familiar, it’s a show about Japanese children running errands alone as early as two years old. Our city and country aren’t set up to permit such a freedom for kids or parents, but I figure starting with the basics at home earlier than later can’t hurt.

As some of you know, I’ve been doing a lot of driving over the last few weeks taking the kids to and from my mom’s house for quality one-on-one time. We just dropped off Ila at sleep away camp for a month last week. If the photos they send are any indication, she is living her best life. Zadie, Nico, Nick and I are living life like a family of four though we send Ila letters almost every day.

We have an agreement that each child spends a week by themselves with my mom and her husband. It’s a much anticipated event in this house and I am the horse and buggy that helps realize these summer dreams.

Today, as we celebrate the father’s in our lives, consider asking them (today or later) what activities would make their list. If you are partnered, consider making this an activity you do together and post both of your lists visibly in your home.

So often, we parents run to the aid of our children when they experience some form of discomfort or disappointment. But, who can blame us? Our role among other responsibilities is to provide and protect.

As summer approaches and the odd gaps of time where our kids will not be in camp come face-to-face with my work calendar, I have been thinking alot about how I can be present for them without neglecting my goals.

Last night, I was able to hang out with friends new and old in Brooklyn Bridge Park like a more responsible 20-something, pre-child version of myself. Our kids were hanging at their friend’s house, and Nick got an evening of Shake Shack and uninterrupted TV time.

At the beginning of last year, in the middle of the pandemic, my goal was for us to reach seven figures in revenue at Sugar Hill Creamery. I am proud to say that we reached our goal and not by a dollar. As a result of this revenue, we have been able to employ almost 30 people in part-time and full-time positions year-around while supporting organizations like Harlem Little League with team sponsorship.

Three or four months after I decided to leave my job for full-time ice cream life, I had way more time to spend with the kids. Ila, our eldest, was the only one in full-time school at the time. I was volunteering at her school a lot. I was spending more time with the other parents who sent their kids to the same school. And, I think I just had more time to pay attention to the development of each of our kids.

This week, I thought I was going to share more about how I spent Thursday in Ila’s court hearing advocating for her to receive a fair and appropriate education. It has taken three years to get to this point of advocacy, so the hearing was a big milestone. But, I’ll save that story for later because my plan is to convalesce all day. I have a date with my bed, some books, some snacks, some beverage, and possibly some Netflix or HBOMax.

I attended a two-day workshop a couple of months ago to get me started. Following the workshop, I began meditating consistently for two weeks. Then, my practice took a hit because I lost interest. My mistake was in the fact that I listened to the same recording during each session and my attention waned.

The Parent Development Meeting is kind of like our New Mom’s Group but for parents of kids of all ages. We sit in a circle with the head of school and talk about the things that are on our hearts regarding our children. From screen time and cellphone usage to eating habits to building confidence in preteen girls, no topic is off limits.

Many of us think that by providing the best, we are showing the child love–by dressing them well, they are loved; by making sure they have the best birthday party, they are loved; by making their food from scratch, they are loved. While these actions can communicate our affinities for our children, the best way we can show them love is by being mentally and emotionally present for them.

I believe that we parent from a place of memory, from childhood record keeping. Sometimes we are aware of these records as we actively parent our kids and sometimes we parent on autopilot pulling from how our parents raised us.

With the newest New Mom’s Group alumna and others who have subscribed to this list via Instagram newly added to this group, I thought this would be a great moment to reintroduce myself, especially since this was my first time not facilitating New Mom’s Group.

“Doing the best you can” in relation to my capacity has always felt like an insult. In those words, I heard, “You could be doing better but you just can’t, so the shoddy job you’re doing now will just have to do.” I explained this to my friend who seemed a little taken aback by my response to her consoling words. She countered my response with an affirmation that we were (and still are) living in trying times and if there were a moment not to turn in A+ work, this was the time.