Redirecting The Energy
Hi there,
This missive is coming to you on the heels of visiting our eldest daughter Ila at her sleep away camp this weekend. We went for Family Day after her first two weeks of being there. She’ll stay another two weeks before she comes home.
She had such a fun time last year after a two week stay that she asked us to enroll her for a month this time around. She is nine years old. This is the longest period of time she has been away from us. After visiting her yesterday, I was more affirmed in my stance that we need to let our kids do more for themselves to prepare them for life at age 18 and beyond.
We ended Family Day in a part of the camp called Hammock Village where, you guessed it, there are lots of hammocks! Laying here made me wonder if we should hang some hammocks on the scaffolding outside of the Lenox store. 😂
I employ this approach with our younger two kids, Zadie (6) and Nico (4), as well. Whenever there is something that I believe they can do or even just about do, I re-direct them to doing it. This includes getting their own snacks and water, getting dressed, and laying out their clothes at night. If it’s out of their reach, I stretch them to try to complete the task anyway. Sometimes they surprise me and themselves by succeeding in their completion of whatever out-of-reach task I’ve asked them to do.
I know they could be doing so much more than they do now. I mean, have you seen Old Enough! on Netflix? If you’re not familiar, it’s a show about Japanese children running errands alone as early as two years old. Our city and country aren’t set up to permit such a freedom for kids or parents, but I figure starting with the basics at home earlier than later can’t hurt.
During a coaching session this week with a mother who juggles both professional and domestic responsibilities, I likened her home to a company for which she was the CEO. Would a CEO try to do everything that needed to be done in their company? No. If they tried, would that company grow and thrive? You know it wouldn’t. So, why do we try to do this in our homes?
For many women, tending to all aspects of their children’s well-being helps fortify their self-worth and bolster their identity as a mother. I have definitely suffered from this affliction throughout my parenting journey. But, what good does this position do if we burn out at the expense of trying to do and be everything for everyone?
We’ve been letting this four year old dress himself by himself everyday for over a year. The result is that sometimes he dresses like it’s autumn in the middle of a heat wave. His daycare said he didn’t complain once about his outfit in last week’s heat. As much as it made me uncomfortable to let him leave the house like this, I committed to letting him live in this decision and I guess it worked out.
In her book Drop the Ball, Tiffany Dufu (also a Harlem-based mom), talks about the concept of “dropping the ball” in our homes so that we can, in part, protect ourselves from burning out. She calls on women to lean on their partners, if they are partnered, to help fulfill some of the domestic responsibilities. Not heeding to this advice, whether you are looking to a partner or other people who can support you, often breeds resentment between you and your loved ones. And, resentment erodes relationships.
So, here are a few of thoughts to noodle on this week:
Are you holding all of the buckets of domestic work? If so, explore how to minimize the percentage of domestic buckets you are carrying. Delegate tasks to your children even when you know they won’t do them correctly or like you like them done. Do the same with your partners if you are partnered.
Do you feel better about yourself when you are tending to everything in your home like Mary Poppins? If so, ask yourself why. Ask yourself if you would be comfortable with your child leaving for college not knowing how to do the things that you do for them everyday. This includes making their own food, folding their clothes, tidying their bedrooms and other rooms in the house, and so much more.
Does the thought of watching your child be uncomfortable make you uncomfortable? If so, ask yourself why and then think about whether you find yourself often saving them from their discomfort? If so, consider giving them some coping tools to manage their feelings as they work through whatever is making them uncomfortable.
As always, I hope these thoughts offer you food for thought.
If you know a New Mom in need of a New Mom’s Group, let them know that we just launched the July/August Group.
Have a great week!
Petrushka
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