Transitions And Revelations
I went to a parent development meeting at our kids’ school recently and was struck by a thought I wanted to share with you as you tend the lives of others (whether they be your children or other adults in your life). I’ve shared the power of these meetings before. It’s kind of like group coaching for parents. The tuition is worth it for these meetings alone. Lol.
We were talking about the parallels between our kids’ transition into the world and how their reactions to transition show up in other areas of their lives and impact our relationships with them. I shared that Nico, our newly minted five year old, transitioned into the world with forthrightness, clarity, and adamance. And, nothing has changed. His commitment to his vision often gives me agita when he wants something to be in a way that I cannot execute or fix.
It was his fifth birthday on the morning that this meeting took place and he was upset that his teachers had reorganized the rest period schedule. The shift in rest time would shift when he would be able to enjoy his cupcakes with classmates and he wasn’t happy about it. What do you think my response was?
Nico celebrates his birthday in class.
I said, “Ok, I can’t do anything about the schedule, Nico! It is what it is. Now, we have to go to school.” In moving him quickly through his feeling of wanting his birthday the way he wanted it, I did not hold space for his feelings. I also felt the pressure to fix an unfixable aspect of his day.
Who can blame him for wanting his birthday the way he wanted it? Don’t we all want to celebrate our birthdays the way we want to?
The head of school, who leads these conversations, asked why I felt I needed to fix the issue. She said that as parents we always want to fix. She said our job is actually not to fix everything. We are also not meant to diminish or take away our kids’ feelings when they don’t work for our timetables.
This hit me hard. I’m always trying to fix something and make things efficient! I’m hard-wired as an entrepreneur, neighbor, friend, and mother to fix and improve things so that everyone around me can have the best outcomes.
Why am I like this??? I actually know why I’m like this thanks to therapy. Praise God for therapy.
What I learned from this parent development meeting is that my job doesn’t always need to be about fixing. My reactions to my children’s plaintiff cries don’t need to be solutions to their discomforts. My reactions to them should be slower, creating more space for listening and asking questions of them that catalyze wonder and thinking about why things are the way they are. Validating their feelings isn’t just about affirming the negative feeling they are having; it’s also about holding space for them to feel and understand their whys and the whys of the world.
It’s me...fixing and tending to Nico's childhood memories with a custom Spider-Man ice cream cake that Nick made him. 🙃
I mean that’s a whole life lesson.
As parents, we are often pushed into a posture of reaction. When we can react quickly, we maintain a fictive state of control of our outcomes. But, how often do we give ourselves space to explore the whys about ourselves and the whys about the world around us?
Noodle on that for a moment.
Sending continued light and strength for the week ahead,
Petrushka
P.S. If you are at a work crossroads and want to give yourself space and time to wonder and explore your whys as they relate to yourself and your asset trinity (time, money, and people), I invite you to join my Mastering the Art of Work class. Current participants (and past) are getting clarity about the thoughts that have been holding them back from their next powerful life chapter, and they are better understanding their fears about taking action. If any of this resonates with you, I encourage you to join us.