The Evolution of Parenting

Being a parent is forever. Most of us know this theoretically, but in reality, many of us are counting down to the moment when our children are out on their own, tending to their basic needs — food, water, shelter, and clothing — so that we can finally slow down.

During our children's first 18 years, much of our parenting journey manifests through action. From sleep training and changing diapers to researching schools and coordinating playdates, we show our love through the things we do to manage their lives. Naturally, as they grow older, the amount of hands-on care they need decreases significantly.

But how many of us can say that our parents showed their love by being emotionally present as we evolved into the adults we are today?

A member of our church took this picture of me while I actively ignored the emotional needs of my six-year-old, who was ready to leave. Lol.

Parenting is simultaneously rewarding and exhausting — a full-contact sport. Part of the job is physically taxing, and the other part is emotionally draining as we often suppress our feelings to attend to our children's needs.
When our children leave home, how does our relationship shift? How did your relationship with your parents change when you became independent?

A mom in a recent SHMOM group shared her frustration with her parents a few weeks after having her baby. She expressed anxiety about her newborn's wellbeing due to her family's medical history, but her parents couldn't hold emotional space for her. They dismissed her concerns, saying she had nothing to worry about. She didn't need solutions or empty consolations — she needed her parents to listen and help her find calm.

I think it's hard to be emotionally present for our kids because there's so much "doing" required to keep them alive.

I was scheduled to take one of the kids on their Board Meeting but life was lif-ing so I was able to have a girls night with Ila and Zadie while Nick and Nico got one-on-one time.

As caretakers who care deeply about keeping our children safe and happy, it's easy to become their fixer. There's pain? Let me take it away. You're hungry? Let me feed you. You're frustrated? Let me find a solution.

But children don't need fixing. They just need to be heard and held.

These needs don't change as we age and become parents ourselves.

A friend in her 40s recently told me that her parents were great until she turned 18 and have been failing at parenting ever since. Perhaps they saw their primary goal as simply molding their child into an adult.

I believe our relationship with our parents after these intense first 18 years has the potential to be the most soul-nourishing, since we'll spend the majority of our lives with them as adults.

How we position ourselves to be good parents when our kids no longer need physical tending starts now.

It starts with building a practice of being emotionally present — not rushing to fix or erase their pain, but being able to hold space for the unique beings they are and allow them to be heard.

I don't think it's impossible for our parents to hold this space for us as they age if they begin building that practice when we're younger.

I'm trying to do this every day with my children. It's really hard.

Petrushka
Your Local Ice Cream Lady & Life/Business Coach