Apologies

My 12-year-old says I always have to be right. She doesn't believe I can admit defeat or failure. This, of course, is untrue.

I've noticed that as she approaches her teenage years, we argue more. She is finding her voice and seeing things her way, which is not always my way. She is the eldest child of two elder millennials who possibly give her too much space to share her thoughts.

As the child who carries the burden of her pecking order, our power struggles are becoming more frequent, and I know that's normal.

My eldest child and I a few months ago.

She knows me very well and is similar to me in many ways. Is it because she's my first and has known me the longest? Is it because we share a zodiac sign? Or, are we just similar because we are? Who knows? But the older she gets, the more we both also need to be right.

The other day, when we were trying to figure something out and she tried to tell me the right way to do whatever it was we were deciphering, I ignored her because in my mind, I knew better. In the midst of me batting away her suggestion, she told me I was moving too fast to hear what she was saying.

She ended up being right about that and whatever it was we were trying to figure out.

Since her position is that I can never be wrong, she was not expecting what followed thirty minutes later. I said, "Ila, I want to apologize for not giving you a chance to speak when we were trying to figure that thing out earlier. I was moving too quickly to let you talk, and you were right about that and the thing we were trying to figure out. Do you accept my apology?"

She was silent.

The eldest being a human pillow to her siblings on our drive back from my mom's house over Thanksgiving.

She didn't know what to say. The lady whom she believes believes is always right, had conceded. She admitted defeat. Her silence lingered, and eventually, she said she forgave me. I don't think she knew what to make of me "dethroning" myself.

I did it because of the model my mother set for me when I was younger. She used to (and still does) apologize to me about things.

When I was still living with her, I remember several times when I (respectfully) expressed my discontent about something she did or said. She'd listen to me, sometimes with the face of a parent tolerating the fact that her non-bill-paying child had an opinion about something she did. But, she would always take a moment to think about it. If she could understand my perspective, she'd come back to me and say that she thought about what I said, spoke to the Lord about it, and wanted to apologize for saying or doing whatever it was that upset me.

Me and my first born 11 years ago

I was catching up with a friend today who was sharing her disapproval of some medical decisions her mother did not make for her when she was younger. One of her gripes about how her mom didn't respond to her medical needs when she was younger actually carried over into present times. She said her mom would likely not admit to being wrong about how she handled things when she was younger. I imagine if her mom apologized to her today about her decisions from decades ago, her daughter might not be upset about it anymore.

A good apology to anyone is powerful. But, it can be especially powerful when a parent gives it to their child, often the most powerless person in a home. Modeling what an apology looks like can also create positive practices that our children can carry forward in their relationships with their peers and maybe even their future partners and children.

As mothers, we are legacy makers in our families. By modeling accountability and understanding, especially in moments when we fall short, we shape not just our children's future but the world they'll help create.

Petrushka
Your Local Ice Cream Lady & Life/Business Coach